@#$%*

Jeffrey texts me last night to have me invite everyone to Emma's "cake" party on Friday night at 7 and to see if I can host it. Im glad my house is clean!!

Tim will be here at 7:30!!! ugh!@#$%. This is getting OLD!! I really want my car! I don't want to go in this early, Ive been grouchy this morning and yelling at the cat. I really need to mow my lawn one of these mornings! And get some laundry done! And some writing done! And play in Adi's room some. And have time to think about making time to exercise! And I want to get some studying in, but if I do that I cry and I won't be prepared if he shows up early- excuse, but embarrassing anyway. I am just too tired at night!!

I slept a little better last night. I wonder if it's Jen's dog's hair??? Im watering the front lawn and the back. Ive fed the dogs, the cat and have the fish to go. Ive showered and dressed and have hair and makeup left. I need to eat and brush my teeth. Its 6a.m. now.

I feel a zit coming in on the ridge of my nose. It hurts.

Chuck is really making me uncomfortable these days with some comments that he's making... Like he would prefer that I don't get a ride with Lance or something about Tim that makes me think that he thinks something between us.

His driving totally freaks me out! He is so aggressive it's unsafe! I don't like riding with him. I don't like riding with Rich either. He smokes so much that even when I borrow his truck and turn on the air, its like smoke comes out of the vent! It gives me the biggest headache and makes my stomach sick. I don't want to ride with him on Friday. I can't take smoke in cars!! My step dad used to smoke with the windows up and get mad at us girls if we tried to crack them and breath a little. YUK!!

Complain, complain!! A free ride and I complain! God, I pray for the air to get fixed in my car and that it be reliable and comfortable for me for many months to come without having to put more money in it.

I was on FB last night looking at Stephanie's pictures. I was so envious I had to cry and ask God for forgiveness. Is she rich or something?? She drives the Dodge Challenger, that I LOVE. She paints good enough to give away to be auctioned off and that people WANT her paintings and she gives them as gifts. She has traveled to many cool places- England, Scottland, Cosumel, some places that I can't pronounce, she got to go to Drop Kick Murphy's on St Patty's Day in Boston with Josh and Rim. What a way cool experience.

I don't want to be her, but I dream of doing some of the things that she does and is doing so badly that it makes me cry. Im crying right now just thinking about it all!! How cool and I feel..... unsatisfied and dull right now. I want a vacation so bad, a cabin up north for a long week with a laptop and a nice car and money to eat and play, walks in the forest, that would even do!!! A vacation??? The last vacation I had was with Aaron when I was pregnant with little Aaron at one of his family reunions and I was sick as a dog and he was flirting with everyone and making me jealous (and rightly so I guess, huh??).

I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

How many single mothers out there wish for the same things?? And even more serious things, like very bad, unsafe neighborhoods in LA and in NY where they have to work two jobs and worry about their kids safety and getting in to drugs or getting killed. Worrying that her child has no chance at a decent life???

What about those mothers? I bet they are out there!!

Me, I just dream of a little more money... a 15k raise a year... I could afford a vacation then, and to get my car worked on myself, to be able to afford the maintenance on my car and maybe even a car payment, maintenence on my house, be able to affored Adi's braces, to take the animals to the vet.....

blah blah blah...

its 6:20 now, time to get ready incase he comes early. I think he did that to me once and so did Lance! A free ride, very nice of them!