depression....

Sheesh!  I think that for sure I am going thru "the change".  Seriously.  And my meds are not working so well.  I really dont want to go to the Dr.  Yuk.  And even more I dont want to see a Pshyc.

So...  I was bummed last month when I missed that water to wine tour.  But I found it again!  I bought one for L too, but still have not heard from her. ???  WTF is up?  She seems to do this to me a lot lately.  It takes me three or four days to get back to her.  I don't really want to go with anyone else.  I mean, I would love to go with P, and we might have some time to do it, but she is real busy too.  Then Tim.  Tim wouldn't be able to get away from her fam for a weekend.  The wrap part maybe, but.... 

I bought it yesterday.  I left her a msg when I did....  in excitment....  then text her to let her know that I was emailing the details.  Then text her once more a couple of hours later because I didn't hear from her....  then called her on the way home.....  And I feel like some desperate girl that is chasing some guy that doesn't want anything to do with her.....  this is supposed to be one of my bestys.  What is up with this pic??  She sounded so excited before when I was talking about it and then I missed the opportunity....  and found it again...  and I haven't heard from her.  I mean I know its not like its been days...... but  not a text?  Not a reply to the email?  Not a quick phone call?  Nada.  Nothing.  I feel weird.  I kind of wanted to make the wrap plans soon...  like this weekend or the next week before I go to NC. And I told her that in the msg. If I don't hear from her... what should I do?  I mean should I just assume that she doesn't want to do this?  I mean we have been talking about it for years, so I know that she wants to do this, but....  I dont know.

The canoe tour...  that can wait.  I wanted to do it between NC and Vegas, but we have until Oct.  Still, I guess it just hurts my feelers that she has really been ignoring me lately.  A lot.

Its Friday, finally.  I have a busy weekend ahead and I dont like busy weekends all the time.  Adi is spending the night with a friend so I have to make time to get her tomorrow.  I have a hair appt at noonish and dinner at Jens with my mom and all the grand kids.  I also have to find all the paper work that I need for AHCCCS.  The kids have projects that we need to get done by Monday.  I need to shop for containers so that I don't eat shitty next week.  Shop for Loraine a bday present.  My Kohls coupon is this weekend 30% off and I really need to find a few new things for my trip. I am running out of time on this.  And then there is the normal...  I have to grocery shop for next week, I have yard work that needs to be finished or all my hard work the past two weekends will have to begin all over again with these damn weeds. I have a leak under the sink to fix (again) and the kitchen drawer to fix. I have a paper to finish writing for school. Laundry. Inside housework. And I want to start a new book and try and work on my art project.  I really could use a couple of weeks off. Paid.  At home. And a massage.

And I dreamed of s3x with G last night.  Yuk!  He wasn't any good.  Cute and hot, but not any good.  Bummer.  Usually I have GOOD dreams when I dream of that kind of stuff.  I don't want to dream of it at all.  It is offcially two years this month.  I can not believe Ive survived.  I can not believe that this was even possible for me.  But it is good for me.  Keeps me out of trouble (like the kind Im finding myself in with T because we almost 'did it'- now he won't leave me alone and I feel bad for..... trying to use him for s3x.  But who knew he'd be so clingy after....  ewwww.. - we didn't 'do it' so I don't count it.  It was the first time in two years that I even kissed a man like that).  I keep thinking that a married man would be useful right now, but omigosh how bad is that!!  What a thought!!! I shouldn't think that.  I shouldn't have written that.  I dont want to be that person.  It was only that he'd be busy and thats the only thing we'd have time for right now and no committment.  But what about in the long run?  I really do want to be happily married some day.  To a man of decent proportion, who can get it up with no meds, who is sweet, goes to church, strong, sexy- inside and out, happy-go-lucky, smart, has a life, has friends, can control his s3xual urges, is not a cheater, has a job he likes, isn't broken down, likes to do things like hiking and reading and sports and wine tours, and brewery tastings, and taking drives, and cooking (not all the time... but help is good), and is not afraid of house work and picking up after himself..... 


Ahhhh shit....  all this rambling and bitching and daydreaming has made me about late!!!  Im out!